By Sheryl Aronson, LMFT
As humans, we yearn for the connection to others, we yearn for that one special person to love us unconditionally …in other words, we want the real deal. This means that two people share their lives together, face to face, in real time, in the real world. Sometimes that interaction is exciting and romantic, sometimes that interaction is full of conflict and hurt. When we have been with someone for a significant amount of time, the sparks of infatuation and mystery have dimmed … we take our partners for granted. We settle into the mundane day to day living beside another person who is our real deal.
Interestingly, people are now using social media as a way to keep relationships forever charged with that continuous exhilarating, intoxicating feeling of lust, mystery, infatuation. They can avoid the nitty-gritty hard work that relationships require to go deeper for maintaining mature, emotional connection. With the ability to reach across the entire planet through social media, we have access to humans as far as our network stretches. We can see them, track their lives, and we can communicate.
So why, oh why, should we just settle with one person? Why, oh why is it wrong to reach out to another person who we find attractive, fascinating, to talk with through Facebook Messenger even though we have a real deal relationship at home? Or, why or why should we just choose one person for our partner when we can flirt, communicate through messenger and build many relationships without ever meeting people and avoid the painful interactions of a face to face relationship? Or, if we do meet someone face to face, why shouldn’t we discard them when our interactions are conflictual or we get tired or bored of them?
Now we can view hundreds, thousands of people through Facebook, online dating sites, etc. and communicate our innermost thoughts and feelings. We can flirt endlessly without commitment. We can always feel that fluttering of the heart, the stirrings of passion because we do not want to go deeper into our emotional lives. That’s hard work. That takes time and reflection. It’s so much easier staying on the surface of things and moving on to what’s next!
Good relationships are valuable treasures that are worth our time and effort. Yes, sometimes relationships are drudgery, painful, boring but that’s when a couple learns how to build true love, true connection, and true meaning. If you are in a relationship but you are texting, messaging, flirting with someone else or a lot of someone else’s … ask yourself, “Why am I doing this? What am I not facing inside myself?” Are you addicted to that high of falling in love again and again? Does your ego get stroked every time another unknown person answers you back and you have a new playground to flirt? Are you incapable of deep and meaningful connection? If you are single and looking for a relationship, can you actually meet a person face to face and interact without texting, messaging, but real dialogue, conversation? Can you commit to one person?
I am troubled and concerned about where we are heading as humans in regards to relationships. I, for one, am not communicating anymore through social media when it comes to personal interactions. I am taking the old-fashioned stance, face to face interaction, talk to me over the phone if we can’t meet face to face. Definitely, don’t message me if you are in a relationship and seem to be innocently wanting to just chat. Chat with your significant other then, please.
The real deal is worth it. One person, one love, and all the hard work that goes into maintaining and evolving that relationship. Face to Face, in real time.
Feel free to comment or if you would like to talk with me you can reach me at my email address.